I was at a law firm wine and canape thing tonight, and while I sat there and looked around a room of people wearing nearly identical suits and sober, obsequious expressions I thought to myself: "I will soon be a responsible adult with a real job." And I admit, it kind of made me happy.

Then I read the paper and became angry.
Then very quickly contemptuous.

It's lucky the prospect of regimented uniformity and life as a corporate worker bee makes me happy, otherwise life would just be full of grinding teeth and burst blood vessels.

Apparently, the worker in the WorkChoices advertisements is an actor who has, in the past, failed to be a good boss. The ad, therefore, has to go.

I, for one, am right behind this kind of action. For too long have we been asked to accept two different concepts at the same time. Psychologists call this phenomenon "cognitive dissonance". You might recognise it by the layman's term: "bullshit". Are you aware, two people who read my blog sometimes, that in many cases of acting the person portraying a role is in no way the same as the role itself? Hard questions need to be asked. Are the rumours that Elijah Wood has a ring of power true? Is Bruce Willis, in fact, alive? And despite Tobey Maguire's love of horses being shown in Seabiscuit, is it not a fact that he once ate an entire horse, due to extreme peckishness?

It's an outrage. Nor do I feel we should stop at insisting that all filmed fiction become a documentary. I demand proof that Stevie Wonder blamed it on the sun, and that Michael Jackson refused to do so and opted for the boogie. We need to know: does anyone, really, like to move it, move it, or was that just a sham? It's time for more truth in reality, people.

Middle Eastern conspiracy theories are so much better than North American versions that it makes me think that Western civilisation is doomed to fall.

Note: it is the official Iranian news service that has categorically stated that "intelligence operatives have arrested 14 squirrels within Iran's borders". There is no word as yet as to how many acorns these debonair squirrels-of-fortune made off with, but estimates run in to the tens. Experts believe they intended to undermine the Iranian government with a devastating strike of cuteness, overwhelming their ability to, y'know, torture and oppress people when those fuzzy little guys are watching with their heads cocked to one side. Awww.

When applying for clerkships, we are required to write letters to the law firms explaining why we love them so much. This can play havoc with the mind. I ended up writing these, and very nearly submitted them. Sanity prevailed, but only just. Please be aware: I have seriously plagiarised the second one from "Smoove B" on The Onion, who is some kind of genius. This is a pale, sad imitation. Sorry.

02/08/07
Future Henchman
Graduate Recruitment Consultant
RE: APPLICATION FOR SUMMER CLERKSHIP 2007
Dear Ms. Henchman,
Meng, Ruler of Mars, is applying for a seasonal clerkship position at your firm for the summer of 2006-2007. Meng, Ruler of Mars is currently in Meng’s penultimate year of a law degree.
Working for your firm is attractive for a number of reasons. Firstly, Meng believes the firm has strong prospects for growth in the future, given its commitment to backstabbing and petty thievery. Meng believes his galactic death ray and unstoppable clone army will prove an asset in the firm’s bid for global supremacy. Meng views the firm as an excellent opportunity for conquest and domination. Meng can supply his own henchmen. Meng, Ruler of Mars is most interested in Dispute Resolution and Litigation, in which the firm is listed in one of the top tiers in the Legal 500. More specifically, Meng believes that his ability to CRUSH ALL OPPOSITION UNDERNEATH HIS BEJEWELLED SPACE BOOTS will be utilized to its fullest. Also, Meng has an evil laugh. Bwahahaha.
My academic record is mighty as the stars; academic staff have been terrorized and tortured until they gave Meng his desired WAM of 100. I have shown a commitment to teamwork in my extra-curricular activities, overseeing the DESTRUCTION OF THE RESISTANCE TO MY IRON RULE. My initiative and strong writing skills may be seen in the ultimatum I had delivered to the Galactic Federation encased in the skull of their messenger. Threatening people with nipple clamps and genital electrocution requires me to have strong oral presentation skills. My practical problem solving skills are demonstrated in my ability to have ALL THOSE WHO OPPOSE MY MIGHT ENSLAVED AND SENT TO THE PIT OF WHIRLING DEATH IN THE DAKTAR NEBULA. Meng also has an interest in flower arranging and 14th Century pottery. Bwahaha.
Please find my resume attached. I will be available for an interview at your convenience. Please contact me if you should wish to discuss my application further, OR I SHALL DESTROY YOU.
Bwahaha,
Meng, Ruler of Mars



03/08/07
Ms. Baby Doll
Human Resources Massager

RE: APPLICATION FOR SUMMER CLERKSHIP 2007

Dear Ms. Thang,
Girl, I am applying for a seasonal clerkship position at your firm for the summer of 2006-2007. I am currently in my penultimate year of a law degree. I can last all night, if that’s what you need, girl.
Sweet thing, working for your firm is attractive for a number of reasons. I would see you every day, and bring you the finest chocolates. I would give you the soft centres, and lovingly sort out the tasteless and dry nut-based delicacies. Oh, yes. The firm’s cultural emphasis on sweet, sweet love and soulful love songs resonates strongly with my ambitions for a legal career. I am aware that there is a dress code; I assume my wardrobe of linen pants, flowing white silk shirts and tasteful medallions will make you happy. My main interest is in Dispute Resolution and Litigation, in which the firm is listed as a top tier firm in the Legal 500. I will resolve any disputes you may have, my sugar baby, all night long to the music of Peabo Bryson and Justin Timberlake. Finally, I feel that the firm’s strong work in Mergers and Acquisitions is just your way of asking me to freak you until the sun comes up. On a bearskin rug. I will acquire you standing up, and over the white baby grand piano, then we shall merge in front of the fire. I will do you sideways.
My academic record is delightfully fresh, with a Distinction average. This includes a score of 76 in Lovemaking1 and 77 in Sweettalk 1. There is no score for how much I need you, but rest assured that if there were I would search the world for the finest jewelers to have it set in diamonds on a belt buckle for you to wear. I have shown a commitment to teamwork and verbal fluency by finding not one, but two ivory-skinned maidens to join us on the the bearskin. But I will not see them, Ms. Thang, I will care only for you. Do you require grapes? I will feed them to you. My initiative and strong writing skills may be seen in the independent creation of a thousand line love poem on your thighs alone. If you require me to discuss your breasts, I will do this for you.
Ms. Thang, I have a circular bed with a mirror above it and soft mood lighting. I have sheer curtains that billow into my room. I will make you want me for your firm.
Please find my resume attached. I will be available for an interview at your convenience. Please contact me if you should wish to discuss my application further, or simply wish to make freaky love until morning.
Yours sincerely,
Smooth B.